The manosphere. Have you heard of it? I hadn’t either, until I stumbled over it this summer on my family shared YouTube feed.

I started watching a couple of videos. Dude driving around giving other dudes dating and marriage advice (in his words: don’t, it’s a slaughterhouse).. Another dude with guitars on his wall, looking like a 1970’s WKRP in Cincinnati disc jockey hocking his books about rules men should follow to handle women. One more dude that’s a knockoff of the first dude just sitting in a shitty car with his wraparound sunglasses stumbling over letters that other dudes have allegedly sent him asking for his take on their woman sitch.

I have to admit, I had spent a couple of Saturday nights (Covid is my excuse, and I’m sticking to it) watching video after video. As I watched, I became increasingly disturbed with what I was seeing and hearing.

Blatant mysogyny and woman hating is easy to spot and dismiss. Both online and in real life. Having been on dating apps for a few years, you start to recognize the pattern. Completely negative profiles featuring men with the same ball cap and wraparounds in every photo begging me to ask aloud every time, “who hurt you?” Men in real life who seemed offended by the fact that I understood MMA better than they did. An easy next. But this was different. This misogyny was slicker. More subtle. And it scared me.

I fell down a rabbit hole watching, following and reading about different characters. Got blocked by a couple on Twitter (I’m especially proud of that). One self-described ‘poet’ had a pinned tweet on his profile offering instructions on how to facefuck. Jesus.

The manosphere is an online community of YouTube channels, Twitter and IG accounts, and Reddit forums that identify politically with the far right or alt right. They believe feminism is a toxic ideology and should be eradicated. It effectively brings several together groups in one sweaty, angry room: MRAs (mens rights activists), incels (involuntary celibates), MGTOWs (men going their own way), PUAs (pick up artists) and father’s rights groups.

These groups hold the position that it isn’t women who are oppressed by patriarchal power imbalance. Men are the ones who have the boot of feminism on their necks, and that after centuries of being on top, it’s women’s time to turn the screws of power.

Really?

I have always understood feminism to mean equality among the sexes, and the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (a devastating loss, but on brand for 2020) fought hard for this equality for decades. She began this fight in large part because despite graduating first in her class from Columbia Law, she could not get a job in New York after being told time and again that she would be taking a job away from a man. The first case she argued for inequality on the basis of gender was actually for a man who was denied a caregiver benefit, because he was a man. She won. I wonder if the MRAs know about that one.

As a feminist, I heartily agree that there are issues in society that are unfair to men. Antiquated family law that doesn’t make sense in the 21st century, male victims of domestic violence that don’t or can’t come forward because they won’t be believed, or they will be ridiculed (mostly by other men, however…), and a demographic of women that seem to want it both ways; white knuckling their single independent lives just long enough to find a man that will take care of them. I have always had an issue with women who still believe the man should pay for everything; that came from a time where women weren’t allowed to work, and they were passed from their parents’ house to their husband’s house like property. I have a job, you have a job; I go for my wallet every time. Because that’s equality.

Unfortunately, this is not where the manosphere ends. It has become increasingly misogynistic, angry, and dangerous. I’m not posting any links to this garbage on purpose. If you want to find it, you can look for it yourself. My intent here is to give you a list as to why I’m keeping a close eye on this movement, and why you should. Maybe you can get some of them to block you on Twitter too. Fingers crossed.

Sons & Daughters.
I have two sons, 21 and 18. My first thought when I tripped across this world was, “I really don’t want my sons to grow up seeing all romantic relationships as adversarial competitions that they can win by creating Stepford Wives out the women they bring into their lives. If you have daughters, and I have the privilege of working with many young women, you really don’t want them bumping up against these men. Literally or figuratively. Power imbalances in relationships (on either side) are a recipe for disaster, both in the short and long term. Even more so if they scramble their DNA together. Equality and communication that encourage each partner to be the best version of themselves is a more successful strategy. Trust me on this.
It’s An Echo Chamber.
Being blocked by these men on Twitter taught me something very important. They cannot handle debate. Their position only has power because of the near universal agreement and circle jerks they engage in on each other’s channels and social media. They share the same photos, articles, and events (like Jada Pinkett’s Red Table Talk with Will, and Tomi Lahren’s rant about garbage men), and will all have the exact same monologue and opinions. People that disagree with them are removed (like me), and so it gives the illusion that this ideology is the right one. Shutting down debate is a dangerous thing, not just because it’s divisive, but because no one is listening to anyone anymore. No common ground can be found. One only has to look around at the world today to see what happens when people stick their fingers in their ears and yell LALALALALALALA. Defending your point of view while listening to others that believe just as strongly is healthy for your brain. Give it a try.
It Doesn’t Serve Anyone.
There are men out there in the social media universe that are genuinely trying to help men optimize their lives and make them better humans. The Fab Five of Queer Eye are my favourites. Listen to episode 4 to hear why. I applaud those men, and others like them who understand that toxic masculinity hurts men just as much as women. Men have experienced trauma and pain in their lives and it’s not nearly as accepted for men to talk about it. However, it is incredibly important that they do. Dante discusses why that is in episode 8. Romantic relationships are incredibly nuanced and beautifully complex. Women are not all the same; men are not all the same. People have different preferences, strengths, sensitivities, and relationship goals. To offer up a set of ‘rules of engagement’ is selling a one size fits all approach that posits that all women are just hypergamous medusas that are lying in wait to trap a man, have his (maybe) babies, and then proceed to utilize the Family Law system to strip him of his children and net worth and monkey branch to the better looking, richer man. These rules don’t insulate anyone from that, and even worse, constructs a self-fulfilling prophecy, with an “I told ya so” message thrown in just to add insult to injury. There seems to be one word missing amongst the ocean of vitriol that is the manosphere. Love. And the more trips I take around the sun, the more I realize that love is incredibly important. Real love. The kind that makes you want to be the best version of yourself. That’s the shit, man.
Sometimes This Virtual Community Translates Into Real Violence.
On December 6, 1989, Marc Lépine entered a mechanical engineering class at the École Polytechnique in Montreal, Canada and separated men and women in the class to opposite sides of the room. He then instructed the men to leave. He stated that he was “fighting feminism” and shot all nine women in the room, killing six. Lépine then moved through corridors, killing another eight women before turning the gun on himself.
On April 23, 2018, Alex Minassian drove a rented van along a downtown Toronto, Canada street and ran down pedestrians killing 10, and injuring 16. He was identified on his social media accounts as an incel and the reason given for his actions was ‘revenge for perceived sexual and social rejection’. His trial has been delayed due to the COVID pandemic. Stay tuned. Online communities and the echo chambers they create have real world consequences and sometimes translate into real violence against women. It’s not okay. There is a whole other dialogue about what to do about ‘incels’, and that’s a conversation I’d like to have, with many different perspectives. I’m here whenever you’re ready. But this misogynistic, divisive ideology is not the answer.

Dante and I spent a lot of time, (and three episodes…9, 10, and 11) unpacking and separating what is honestly some great advice, and what is (not so) subtle, shitty misogyny that can curdle relationships and views of the opposite sex. I felt very strongly that it was important to do that, and in no way was the intention to be a personal attack on anyone. Having said that, if any of you dudes mentioned above want to have a conversation, we are ready anytime.

Beatrice